If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.