Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something