*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
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I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand