The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.