Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.