Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
the icebreaker