Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
the best thing i’ve ever made
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey