My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know