9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*