I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
When customers come in 6 hours before closing