*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.