Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
This is me
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
cat vs inanimate object
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.