I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Trying
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”