Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.