Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*