A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Has there ever been a more American story?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician