My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.