A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cake safety first. Always.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]