Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
He just like my cat fr
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.