I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler