Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
guilty
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.