I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
What a year we’ve had this week.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it