Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Expect the unexporcupine.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Nothing.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’