“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Happy Star Wars day!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.