What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
good work, everybody
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
🤣dope