[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”