Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.