A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job