Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign