A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.