My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.