Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself