CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
some Old Testament wisdom
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.