Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.