I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
You Might Also Like
We like the way Dwight thinks
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”