In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Are we there yet?…
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
this came to me in a vision
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect