What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Every work call, he judges.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
This is a bad sign
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant