50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.