I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”