I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.