I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)