Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created