The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.