my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.