Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.