I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
this is the greatest thing ever
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?