Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?