Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.