Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
New mindset, who dis?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Nose
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.