Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
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please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Customize Your Wedding.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
going to the ER y’all need anything
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop